clock kits

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are

numerous and after 9 years of marriage and 12 children (not counting the

one on the way), I have come to the conclusion that contraception is

totally useless.

After getting married, I was advised by the priest to use the RHYTHM

METHOD. Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I

ruptured myself doing the cha-cha. Since priests don't generally have much

cause to know about birth control I spoke to my doctor who suggested using

the SAFE PERIOD. At the time we were still living with my in-laws and had

to wait 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty; needless to

say, this didn't work.

The doctor also mentioned the BILLINGS METHOD which was fairly successful

as my wife didn't get pregnant, but then I've never heard of anyone getting

pregnant by a thermometer. We had to give this up because she wasn't very

satisfied and frankly I was getting bored.

A mate at work told me that PULLING OUT ON TIME stopped his wife from

having children. Although I set the alarm clock carefully, it didn't help -

sometimes I got bored waiting for it to ring and pulled out early,

sometimes it rang too soon and I had to hurry to finish. At least my wife

could tell the doctor the exact time she conceived.

A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love WHILE

BREAST-FEEDING we would be alright. It's hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I

did end up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt healthy. But my wife was

pregnant again. Another mate said that if my wife JUMPED UP AND DOWN AFTER

INTERCOURSE, it would prevent pregnancy. This she did, but what with all

the earlier breast-feeding, she ended up with 2 black eyes and eventually

knocked herself out. As for doing it STANDING UP, my wife is 6 foot 3 and I

am 5 foot 3 and kept falling off the box I had to stand on to do it.

I finally resorted to non-natural birth control and asked the Chemist about

the SHEATH. The Chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a

packet. My wife fell pregnant almost immediately, which didn't surprise me;

I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb (as the Chemist showed

me) can prevent babies. The Chemist also sold me some SPERMICIDAL CREAM.

This is all very well, but have you ever tried to catch the buggers and rub

the cream in? We also tried the SPONGE which was advertised as a new

method. She washed with it every night, but it didn't seem to make any

difference. For all the good it did she might as well have stuffed it up

her fanny.

My wife was then fitted with the COIL and after several unsuccessful

attempts to fit it, we realised that we had got a left hand thread and my

wife is definitely a right hand screw. The DUTCH CAP came next and we were

very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But

alas, it did give my wife a headache. We were given the largest size

available, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

In view of our problems, our Doctor gave us the new-fangled VAGINAL RING

which was on trial at the time. He told my wife to keep it in place for a

month. This was hard to do as it was too big for her finger and she had to

keep her hands clenched to keep it on. Despite clenching her fists during

intercourse, she was soon in the family way again.

Finally I told her to go on the PILL so she took aspirin regularly. 1 now

know that claims of 99% safety for pills are just advertising blarney. At

least it cured the headaches she got from the Dutch Cap. Could you suggest

a more effective pill? Aspirin was the most convenient as it is readily

available etc, but we could try paracetamol or nurofen if you think it

would work better. Someone suggested holding the pill between her legs, but

this defeats the object of the exercise since it renders intercourse

impossible in all but the kinkiest of positions.

I thought about having a VASECTOMY, but I really don't see how wearing a

tie will make any difference; besides I already belong to the local Social

Club and can't afford membership subs for joining a vasectomy club. I also

understand that you join for life in order to get the tie and with the 12

kids this would put a great strain on our finances. At present we are

reduced to ORAL SEX, but I'm sure you'll agree that just talking about it

is no substitute for the real thing. You must appreciate my frustration and

our problem.

Yours pleadingly

Paddy O'Murphy

PS: Please can you advise me of the accuracy of PREGNANCY TESTING KITS? My

wife passed water over the sticks, but even when she was several months

gone they came up negative. We think this is because we live in a hard

water area and the sticks are designed for use in soft water areas. For all

the use they were, she might as well have pissed on them.

hahahahaaa the guy at the top has got the right name lol (thumbs down too)

Good'un Alan!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

thanks for a good laugh

gonna share that one with the bf for sure! haha

good one.

Ha ha really funny. Maybe he should tie a knot in it!!!

:-)))

LMFAO!! all that money wasted on birth control. what dumbas*es!!!!!!!!!! that was funny as hell!!!!!

Funny! Good One!

BRILLIANT. Have a star. 12/10

it must have taken hours to write, but Brilliant

That was to cruel, I got to the cap.

Larger size , she put it on her head aha!,and couldn't stop laughing.KNOW I'm squawking like a chuck.Really funny.

good one have a star

you write to much and i am a woman not a sir

on a crap day made me laugh so thanks

Ha, exhausting. but good.

OMG that was a long one, but heck it was good. lol

they must have been blondes....

Lol. Good one. Have a star.

OK this isnt really a Question. are you just asking if he's high or nuts or something? if so yes!! he should tottally stop hitting goods at bed time!! he tottally didnt listen in health class in high school-college!!!

Too drawn out I like quickies lol

loved it have a star

Ha Ha good one poor old Paddy and his wife.

Jesus pass the mop hun was pmsl laughing at this nad could'nt read for the tears of laughter hehehe

Have a star (i would give you 10 if i could)

xxxxxxxxxx

haaahaaahaaaaa thats hilarious!!

love it star for you!!

LOL! Funny!

hahahahahaha

Ha ha! Guess who wasn't listening in sex ed at school?

Thats the best joke I've heard in a long while.

Had me chuckling all the way to the end......then I wet myself

rotflmao........999 stars

That was a mess. lol

loved that al, had me chuckling, think i know a few like that

The Guinness didn't work then? should drink more you won't find anything then.

Ya daft racist!